Memoirs of Lady Hyegyong, Father Niall O'Brien, and my mother's book

I'm currently reading the autobiography of Lady Hyegyong, a Crown Princess in 18th century Korea. It's written in four parts, and addressed to her nephew (1st memoir) and grandson (2nd to 4th memoir) and provides insight into the politically charged royal court. What stands out is the fact that her husband, Crown Prince Sado, was a mentally unstable man who was eventually ordered into a rice chest and left there to die by his own father, the King. His madness and instability led to violent outbursts and obsessions, among other things, thus deeming him a threat to the future of the kingdom. Lady Hyegyong also writes of the implications for her family - the execution of her brothers, the turmoil amongst the royal in-laws, and her own despair at having to live through all this.

The first memoir is lighter in tone as it details her entrance into the court: the selection process for a crown princess and the many protocols and filial duties demanded of her. It is addressed to her nephew, the heir of that family, thus also provides insight into her father and brother's lives and their relationship and role within the royal court. I'm currently going through the 2nd memoir, and it is depressing to read about the politically charged existence her own son and grandson (both heirs to the throne) had to live in.

Despite the heavy tone of this book, I do find it entirely fascinating. I probably will have to read it in small chunks as I can't handle reading about her brother being executed, followed by her having to deal with a higher ranked female (Queen Dowager) trying to manipulate her own grandson into distrusting her and her brother, his grand uncle. Because of her husband's sins and death, her father-in-law, the King, had her son posthumously adopted by Prince Sado's older brother as a means of distancing him from this scandal. This meant she could not become Queen Dowager (a position held by the King's grandmother) and had little power in the royal court. I may be getting the details all wrong, but suffice to say, the politics of today would be no match for that of the Korean monarchy, or any ancient monarchy for that matter.

I picked up a few more books while I was at the library but these aren't any fun: the memoirs of an Irish priest who lived in my hometown (he was my mom's friend and was a really nice priest) and his recollection of the martial law period, injustice, and the plight of the poor; my mom's book on the Mangyans of Mindoro (not depressing but given that it's about the indigenous poor...), and another book by the Irish priest about a group of people wrongly accused of killing a mayor (martial law stories are never good). There's one more that seems to be about the history of the Korean monarchy but I haven't read much and so can't tell if it's depressing or not.

My interest in the Korean monarchy stems from finding out about historical Kdramas and wanting to know the actual facts rather than the embellished ones the scriptwriters try to sell. I'm embarrassed to admit that I know of historical Kdramas (sagueks?).

To balance things out I realized that I needed to pick up a few books related to Philippine history hence the books about my hometown (was surprised to find them at my university library, actually). I also have never read any of my mom's books, and she's written a few about indigenous groups, as well as a few on the history/ethnography of my island.

Side note: my ex read 2 of her books as reference for his graduate studies. Another side note: my mom wrote the book I picked up in 1976-so when she was my age she was already publishing books! My writing is limited to being 3rd or 4th author in journal articles.

Right around midnight

There's something about a midnight snowfall that keeps me awake. I love the night sky's orange glow, the scent of fresh snow, and the eerie calm that it brings. Then there is the snow, gradually covering the world in a white blanket.

I would lose sleep for this.

It makes me want to sit out on the back patio and just soak in the sight, sound, and scents; the newness that snow brings. I doubt anyone shares my love for midnight snowfalls, but that's okay. I enjoy my peace and solitude.

I am grateful, despite my constant whines about the cold, that I am able to experience these simple pleasures. Thank you, Heavenly Father for this, for the warm bed I can lie down on, the shelter from the cold, and the love you envelope around me.

pautwas

• Done, but not quite. And I can't get myself to finish writing papers/reports/observation notes. Case in point, wasting time checking out some random book/story that I'm obsessing over instead of writing...or getting my lit review done.
• I am getting mixed advice - one says stay, another says go. It does reflect their temperament and general outlook on life, but it can be frustrating as I still feel that need to heed their advice. 
• I keep saying I'll get back to my old routine of devotions - run - get ready for work in 1.5 hours. It takes me .5 to actually stop hitting the snooze button, and another .5 to get myself out of bed, thus my habitual tardiness. I am frustrated by how complacent I've become.
• Despite having finished my grad coursework, I feel like I don't know much. I thought I'd stop feeling insecure about myself, but instead it's just another round of trying to prove myself to those with doctorates and whatnots. I find that the higher ups (and those who are not affiliated with a university) are less judgmental than the mid-level researchers/grad students. Oo na, mas matalino kayo, pero may alam rin ako. I am still learning how to negotiate the politics in the academe. 
• I really hate how I've neglected my relationship with God - I haven't good devotions (time to read the Bible, reflect on God's word and spending time in prayer) and I'm suffering. At the same time, I can easily waste several hours on trivial things. Picking up my Bible and meditating on God's word shouldn't be that hard. If the Spirit leads me. I fear the thought that I've allowed idols to take God's place. Modern day idols can take the form of tv shows, books, games, or anything that takes us away from God. Praying isn't enough. Going to church isn't enough. I want to grow as Christian, and I know I go through these periods of struggle and it is a fight to overcome this spirit of complacency and choosing to put off reading my Bible for more sleep, or more time watching some random show, or reading junk. I want to delight in the Lord, rather than trying to fill His space with desires of this world. 
• I think I'm becoming more materialistic. I like to shop. But I have a conscience so I can't get myself to spend on designer clothes/bags/shoes (my mom's frugality + feeling guilty knowing that my dad's workers earn less than the cost of one of those bags I covet). Besides, I prefer jewelry. And that too, would easily cover the wages for a couple of families on my dad's farm. I envy those who get to travel, but would hate to call on the the parental bank to fund my frivolity. 

Reaction formation

First, this self-analysis needs to stop.

Second, since taking a course on individual differences I've had to wrestle with my belief that society expects individuals to contribute in a meaningful way, and we are conditioned to want to fit in with those around us, or with community we are a part of. Thus, individual differences may go to the wayside. In the context of education, we do need to accommodate our individual needs, but it seems like this is done to allow us to adapt or meet the expectations that exist: be productive members of society. So, as long as we meet these expectations (is this where our individual differences come in?) society will allow us to continue on with our quirks and differences? But, when we go against the grain, we are taught to rein ourselves in and return to being like everyone else? I will admit that im  highly biased given my collectivistic background, and have yet to resolve my issues with this course. Not to say I don't see the need to respect individual differences.

My rambling on this subject stems from an experience from grade school. Let me explain that I was quite the tomboy while growing up. I was messy (still am), liked to play rough "boy" games, and was far from the image of a model, angelic, girlie student. One elementary teacher must have wanted to reign in my being such a tomboy by calling me in front of the class after our lunch break, as if to demonstrate the difference between unkept, messy me (with my jumper missing a button thus it hung rather lopsidedly), and one of our demure and meek classmates. It didn't help that we were also asked to write something out on the board, and while girlie girl classmate wrote in her perfect Palmer's script, I had to show off my messy and smudged (I'm left handed so I will smudge everything I write) handwriting. Yes, I'm not your model female student, thus looking neat and having perfect handwriting is not my forte, thank you very much.

To further expound on our differences, let me tell you that I grew up an only daughter thus, was accustomed to being one of the guys. Feminity was shunned in an effort to fit in, and it's not like I could do anything about my "messy" left-handed writing. Girlie on the other hand, was the youngest in an all-girl brood so she must have received countless reinforcements to be feminine, pretty, and who knows what else sisters expect of you.

Which leads me to my third point, while we are unique and have our individual differences, we still strive to find a fit within a given society or social group. My background shaped me into being a tomboy at heart who is fond of feminine clothes (I send people reeling in shock whenever I show up in pants). I grew up with boys and so find that desire to be one of the boys, but this is disagreement with what I think is society's expectations that I be demure and feminine hence my compromise by at least looking feminine. I'm grateful for finding that I need not focus too much on being so dainty and demure, and having the technology that saves everyone from the pain of trying to disciphere my handwriting.

untitled.

I'm exhausted. I can't think anymore. I don't have the drive to plow through these journal articles, to prep for my exam next week. I have way too many deadlines, and I am cracking.

I miss my crutch, because he was the only one who could handle my meltdowns. But, it was always selfish of me to rely on him when I couldn't give him what he wanted. One sided is not fair. And so I've cut ties off out of respect for their relationship.

I can't wait to finish school. It's tiring - living on my own, managing this house, juggling work and school responsibilities. I have developed a lot of bad habits - avoidance of the work I need to do, ergo, procrastination. (Such as writing when I should be studying for my comprehensive exam).

I can't do all things through Christ, and I know that next month I'll be breathing easy.